This picture isn't of me, I found it online. But the lightbox looks just like mine.
First, I always struggle when the days get shorter. I actually use a clinical lightbox and I really recommend one to anyone who feels worse during the winter. Mine is from Alaska Northern Lights. They’re expensive — about $250, but it makes a huge difference in the quality of my life. Without it, I can literally sleep 18-20 hours a day, and I feel drugged when I’m awake; with it, I sleep a normal 8 hours without needing naps. I carry it back and forth with me to work, and sit in front of it at work for several hours a day. People jokingly call it my Happy Light. Everyone wants to know if it really works. A few people have gotten their own after seeing what a difference it makes for me, especially when I use it regularly, like I’m supposed to.
Second, there was a lot of upheaval in my family of origin. My little brother got married, and I felt really inadequate for still being single. My parents are getting a divorce, and things have been very strained (you can just imagine what the wedding was like, though everyone was pretty civil).
Third, I’ve been dealing with some dissatisfaction about my own life. I’m in a job I really enjoy, but I don’t make the money I believed I would when I was younger. I also know that if I were to go into a different profession I could make a lot more. It also frustrates me that I have trouble meeting people I’m interested in dating — that also partly has to do with the nature of my work; I don’t meet many people (ok, any people) who are potential dating partners. I’ve been single for a long time now, and I’m finally tired of it.
Fourth, my meds needed adjusted. Going up on the Effexor helped a lot, though it does make my hands shake, which I don’t like. (I can live with it, though. Anything to feel better…) I don’t know that the Prozac has done much to help, and since I’m still dragging a bit some days, I might ask if we can go up a little bit on the Abilify. I don’t know, I’m honestly a little leery of making a lot of changes to my meds during the winter months, because in the spring they just end up needing to be adjusted again with the longer days and better weather. I seriously just need to move to Florida or SoCal and be done with it.
I did go back into therapy to deal with the situational things — the parents’ divorce, the feeling bad about my inadequate dating life. I have also worked hard to pursue interests and not let them fall by the wayside on the days I don’t feel like doing a lot.
Exercise is still a bit of a struggle for me, but I think that’s because I’m out of shape, and when you’re out of shape, your body doesn’t want to exercise. When you’re in shape, it wants to go to the gym (or for a walk, or whatever). Your brain may not want you to go, but your body does. 
I started to get back into the routine in December, but then the holidays hit and there was a lot going on. I’ve been sick the last few days (the weather has been all over the place, and I’ve had migraines), but I’m planning to get back into the gym when I get past that and struggle through until I’m back in shape and actually want to work out.
There are also things I do that make me feel better because they make me forget about my depression, even if it’s just for a little while. For example, I really enjoy taking photographs, and finding good shots keeps my brain too busy to feel bad. I also got this bee in my bonnet that I was going to learn to sew (which would really crack you up if you knew me — I’m not really very domestic) and I find doing that soothing.
So overall, I’m doing really well for the time of the year it is, especially compared to last year. I do believe the VNS is a big part of that. I talked some more to my VNS doctor (I have 3 psychological professionals — my therapist, my psychiatrist — who does my meds, and my VNS doctor — who’s technically a psychiatrist too), and she said that usually as people improve, it’s in steps.
So maybe their concentration improves a bit, and then their energy levels. Maybe they don’t need quite as much sleep, or they’re more interested in things. But the subjective feeling of unhappiness vs. happiness is what changes last, usually. She said it’s not uncommon for people to say “Yeah, I think it’s helping, but I want more.” And she can see the improvements, but they don’t feel great, so they feel like it’s not working very well. She said that somewhere around a year and a half, a lot of people reach the point where their subjective mood finally feels better, too. Since I’m only at about six months, and I’m doing pretty well overall, I figure it’s gotta be uphill from here.
My scars are looking really good. I don’t even bother to cover the one on my neck on days I don’t work; another month or so and I may not even need to bother then. I keep thinking I need to take another picture to post here.
